我以為,我已經把你藏好了,藏在那樣深,那樣冷的,昔日的心底。我以為,只要絕口不提,只要讓日子繼續地過去,你就終於,終於會變成一個,古老的秘密。可是,不眠的夜,仍然太長,而,早生的白髮,又洩露了,我的悲傷。”  

席慕容

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Deep down, you just want to be loved, in a way that calms your soul.

「把自己丟進荒野裡,是很容易的事,只要專心前進就好了。生命中最刺激的冒險,其實是在日復一日、枯燥殘酷的現實中,還能繼續保有相同的衝勁。平淡的日常,才是生命最大的挑戰。」

Everybody in the world is seeking for happiness. And there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness does not depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

腦筋有點結實,運作得不太好,想動起來寫幾句日常都感到不太靈活。nevermind, keep it short and brief.

1st female short call of year 2018 yesterday, not extremely busy. Was handed over a case with fever with hydro-pneumothorax with likely trapped lung, in a bedbound case. Did a diagnostic tap. Didn’t insert a chest drain. I don’t think I should if the chest thing is irrelevant. Let’s see.

She’s back, but i wasnt able to talk to her at all. It feels even worse than meeting a stranger. Maybe I’ll get used to it soon, although I dont really want to. But for whatever types of relationship, it depends how the 2 parties see each other.

Day 2 in renal feel a bit better. But i do feel terrible with the long stay cases without a concrete care plan. Spent the whole afternoon to drill on the piles of old notes. Yong is really nice. But i am really stupid.

我的2017

二零一七年的最後一天,剛好是週日休息天,不需要當值,而且在last minute request no-call on 1/1/2018 的request 都被acknowledged 了,於是多了兩日半的休息時間。

在家裡睡覺總會作很多充滿餘韻的夢,卻又不怎麼能夠回憶起箇中內容,實在耐人尋味,且使得人精神萎靡。十時多才能夠爬離被窩,再作梳洗,早餐過後已經近十二時,還是聽歌睇書。讀到了關於 Paul Kalanithi 的故事,還有那本他沒能完成的大概是第一本,也是最後一本,去記述他那短暫,卻充滿思考與哲學的人生。

When breath becomes air.

Breath is the air.

幸運的在圖書館借到了這本書,中譯本,雖沒能夠原汁原味去讀,沒打緊吧。

新一年將要到來了,而她亦將會最後一次回到我身邊的工作環境。我猜想她大概會再一次為自己那平靜的心湖帶來漣漪,但至於她,抑或面對她,我不想再希望要思考著擁有還是發展友達甚至以上的關係,因為那些陣痛,才剛剛開始平息下來。我只能夠祈禱,讓上主保守自己的心靈。但若然她選擇了再進到我的生命對去,大概,我還是會毫無餘地,沒有保留的把她邀請進去。

我再看了一看去年給自己的目標,不知道做到了多少呢?那麼下一年呢?大概將是風起雲湧的一年吧,要揀subspecialty 要開始higher training.

尋日完成左2017 年最後一call, 而且係overnight. 沒有太多意外,但還是one night stand,只能夠在之間偷去一個兩個小時淺睡片刻,而且還是highly interrupted.